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Rock Hard (1985) [Aug. 7th, 2014|07:29 am]

Rock Hard (Bob Vosse, 1985)

Taija Rae ... Adonna
Jerry Butler ... Phil
Nina Hartley ... Cindi Looper
Eric Edwards ... Super Sales
Mai Lin ... Mai Lin
Ron Jeremy ... Teddy Turner (as Ron Jeremey)
Billy Dee ... Billy VJ
Patti Cakes ... Ultra Box
Roger Scorpio ... Harvey Wilson (as Joe Jones)
Lili Marlene ... Joan Dominitrix (as Lily Marlene)
Francois Papillon ... Dave Darling

Rock Hard (Bob Vosse, 1985) /// Rock Hard (Bob Vosse, 1985)

I've read that in the early days of MTV, the then music channel would play just about anything. Now, this policy had nothing to do with MTV being open-minded or adventurous, it was like that because they to had play something. You see, music videos back then were still a bit of a novelty. Meaning, not every artist bothered to make a music video. So, if you were in a band with a music video, the chances of it getting it played on MTV were pretty good. What does this, you say, have to do with Rock Hard, a Taija Rae porno movie from 1985? It's simple, really, if I was in charge of deciding what got played and what didn't get played on MTV, I would have flat-out refused to air "Hotter Than Hot" by Adonna and The Sexelettes on the grounds that it sucks ass. Seriously, what was that? Okay, I get it, Adonna (Taija Rae) is the singer. But what are those other chicks doing? Are they even in the band? Ugh. We wouldn't be in this mess if writer-director Bob Vosse (Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy! and She-Male Sex Clinic) had the horse sense to hand them guitars. Hell, a tambourine would have been a step in the right direction.

And don't give me any of this crap about musical props being expensive. The opening scene clearly shows a drum-kit and two mannequins, one holding a guitar and one holding a bass guitar.

Look at them, they're right there. Grab 'em. There's even a drum-kit.

That being said, it sort of makes sense that Adonna and The Sexelettes were kinda terrible. Think about it, they would have to have sexual intercourse with almost everyone connected to the music industry in order to get their shitty music video on the air. And–you guessed it–that's exactly what they end up doing. Humping anything with a pulse, Adonna and The Sexettes literally fuck their way to the top.

After enduring the music video for "Hotter Than Hot" (which is played in its entirety during the opening credits) Taija Rae's Adonna gets right down to business at hand by massaging the cock attached to her manager's crotch with the inside of her mouth. Even though they're technically a couple, Adonna treats Phil (Jerry Butler) more like a boy-toy. In other words, she'll continue to let him make the flesh on her juicy, pale ass ripple as a direct result of his pelvic thrusts as it helps her career.

Call me avuncular tree frog, but I simply adored how each thrust caused a brand new ripple to appear along the surface of Taija Rae's succulent backside.

Pinning her legs back as far back as they will go, Phil penetrates Adonna with not as much gusto as I would have liked. The fact Adonna obviously wanted to be somewhere else minimized the impact of his thrusts. And it didn't help that Phil and Adonna stopped to chat every once and awhile didn't help either.

I did like Taija's purple satin garter belt and her torn up nature of her black stockings, which looked like they had just survived a nuclear explosion.

While it was also annoying that the opening sex scene between Taija Rae and Jerry Butler is periodically interrupted by the scene where The Sexelettes try to convince a VJ to play their video, I wasn't too upset, as the scene introduces us to Ultra Box!!!!

Yep, you heard right, Rock Hard has a character named Ultra Box, who I'm officially declaring to be one of the greatest movies characters of all-time. Sure, a lot my hyerbolic praise has got to do with the fact that she's called "Ultra Box," but Patti Cakes, the actress saddled with the task of bringing Ultra Box to life, is simply amazing.

Unlike Taija Rae and Nina Hartley, who plays Cindi Looper, Patti Cakes doesn't have hundreds of credits on resume. According to my research, Patti Cakes only appeared in ten movies during her film career.

Anyway, Cindi Looper, who is wearing an orange sweater dress with a longer pink dress underneath it (creating a nice layering effect) and Ultra Box, who is wearing black stockings with a short skirt) approach Billy VJ (Billy Dee), the VJ for a MTV-style music channel.

She hasn't said a word yet, but I Ultra Box already; she starts clawing at her skirt (reveling the tops of her stockings with every claw).

When Billy VJ implies that there is something they can do to get their video played on the air, Ultra Box assumes he's talking about money, and says, "I thought payola was unlawful." Ahh, I love it. Her voice is so crass and vulgar; she would be perfect in an early John Waters' movie.

He's not talking about money, by the way, he's talking about sex. Pulling a mattress he had tucked away underneath the studio mixing board, Billy VJ invites Cindi Looper and Ultra Box to dine on his genitals.

Wearing a red ruffle garter belt, a giant blue crucifix earring and sporting pink highlights in her hair, Ultra Box is the one who gets jizzed on when Billy VJ is finished. Or does she? I know her bush is thick and all, but I can't see any cum. Man, what a piss poor cumshot. Whatever. Lying in a post-coital heap together, Billy informs the ladies that he can set up an appointment with the station's program director (he doesn't have the authority to decide what gets on air).

Meanwhile, Adonna is over at her record label's sales department to smooth talk Super Sales (Eric Edwards), his secretary (Mai Lin) and Dave Darling (Francois Papillon), an art director (he's in charge of designing the video boxes).

My initial thought when Adonna comes barging onto their office was: Holy crap, that pink dress with the zipper sleeves is so fucking chic. However, after that initial thought had subsided, I thought to myself: I wonder how much cocaine Taija Rae did before shooting this scene, as she is racing. And it would seem that I wasn't the only one who noticed this, as Eric Edwards asks Adonna if she's on anything.

After giving Adonna's body the once over, Dave Daring suggests that since Cindi Looper and Ultra Box aren't there, that Super Sales and Mai Lin stand-in for them in order that he imagine what the box art will look like. One thing leads to another, and the four end up having group sex on the floor.

As was the case with the scene with Cindy and Ultra Box, the music during the foursome is all wrong. I mean, the jazzy score just doesn't fit with the tone of the movie. If this had been, oh, let's say, a Doris Wishman-directed nudie cutie flick from 1964, it would have been perfect. But this film is about hot new wave chicks fucking their way to the top in 1985.

Wearing pink pantyhose, knee-high black boots, a pink tip covered in splotchy black dots, multiple gold chains around her neck and a short black and white skirt, Cindi Looper shows up at the office of Joan Lili Marlene), a booking agent of some kind. And I don't have to tell you what happens next. For those who don't know, Cindi Looper and Joan engage in lesbian sex with BSDM undertones.

Since Adonna and Cindi Looper have both tried to get their band's music video air play by employing sexual favours, it only makes sense that Ultra Vox give it a shot. And her target is Mr. Wilson (Roger Scorpio), the music video channel's program director.

As luck would have it, Mr. Wilson digs trampy chicks who talk dirty. And there's no one as trampy or vulgar as Ultra Box.

Unlike the previous scenes, the one between Ultra Box and Mr. Wilson has pep. What I mean is, there's nary a dull moment. This is because Ultra Box never stops berating Mr. Wilson, who is inundated with crass put-downs and insults of an emasculating nature.

My favourite line during the cunnilingus/annilingus portion of their love-making session is this Ultra Box gem: "Im going to cum all over your executive neck-tie, you asshole!" Though, I have to say, "Come on, faggot. Give it to me," has its charms as well.

When Ultra Box informs Mr. Wilson: "I'll show you what Ultra Box is," I didn't doubt her for a second.

There was a moment when I got scared, as I didn't think Mr. Wilson had it in him. It occurs after Mr. Wilson had just expelled a modest amount of seminal fluid all over Ultra Box' ample hindquarters. When she instructs him to lick it off, I wanted to crawl under a rock. Assuming that Mr. Wislon would ignore her request, I braced for the awkwardness that was surely to come. To my unexpected delight, Mr. Wilson does exactly as he's told and laps up his spunky leavings with more vigor than I expected. You rock, Mr. Wilson.

Unfortunately, the same can't be said for Ron Jeremy's Teddy Turner; this guy's repulsive. Nonetheless, if Adonna, Cindi Looper and Ultra Box wanna get their music video on the air, this is is man to see, or, I should say, to fuck. I know, you're thinking to yourself: Why don't they just upload their video to YouTube? Believe or not, there was no YouTube in 1985. So, on the downside, they have to fuck Ron Jeremy in order to get famous. On the plus side, they wear pink (Cindi Lopper), red (Ultra Box) and yellow (Adonna) stockings while doing so.

luxuriant thighs - Taija Rae as Adonna --- Nina Hartley as Cindi Looper -- Patti Cakes as Ultra Box --- Jerry Butler as Phil -- Eric Edwards as Super Sales -- Mai Lin as Mai Lin -- Ron Jeremy as Teddy Turner (as Ron Jeremey) -- Billy Dee as Billy VJ -- Roger Scorpio as Harvey Wilson (as Joe Jones) --- Lili Marlene as Joan Dominitrix (as Lily Marlene) -- Francois Papillon as Dave Darling....